Panromantic

This doesn't bother me at all. I don't really care that it is starting hormone replacement therapy. That doesn't change how I feel about it.

Does that make me panromantic?

Because I don't care it uses it/its pronouns, I don't care it is agender, I don't care that it is transgender (female to male), I don't care that it is starting hormone replacement therapy, but more often than not, I like male. So I can't be panromantic, right? Because panromantic is "emotional and romantic attraction to others regardless of their gender and sex", but more often than not I like males, but at the same time, I do not care what you are or what's in your pants, as long as you aren't an asshat of a person I'll be attracted to you, but if there was a lineup of people I'd pick a male or male presenting person despite the fact I find everyone attractive regardless of what they are or present as.

Maybe it fits me, because my attraction to males is less about their gender and sex and more about the role they take on in the relationship, which is typically dominant.

But pansexual/panromantic is usually about EQUAL attraction across all genders and sexes, but my attraction to different genders and sexes is different…

The best I can describe it is that sometimes I like women, sometimes I like men, sometimes I like people under the non-binary umbrella, but more often than not I like men, mainly because of the relationship dynamic. Men and males (of any gender) are typically more dominant and rough, and so I take on a more submissive and bubbly dynamic myself, and with women and females (of any gender), they are much softer and delicate, so I take on a dominant role myself. That doesn't NECESSARILY sound equal to me, but maybe that's an armory thing and not an attraction thing??? I don't know, man…

— Mauze (she/her + they/them)

I want to say I'm pansexual and don't have a preference, because personality means the most to me rather than genitalia/gender + appearance, but I kind of do have a preference; more often than not, I maladaptive daydream about dating a men… so yeah, I have a preference for men, so much so that I kind of feel like I'd be heteroflexible, not multisexual.

But I feel like I AM pansexual… if my partner were to transition or come out as something other than what they started as when we dated, I wouldn't care at all. I fell in love with them for them, not what's in their pants or happening in their brain. I fell in love with their personality and appearance, BUT more often than not I find men attractive, BUT if an attractive person comes on my TikTok FYP, then I find them attractive, regardless of what their gender is. If I find someone attractive, I notice their appearance before their gender/sex. Plus, there are funny videos on TikTok where there’s this really pretty lady, and I find them attractive, but they turn around and take the wig off, and it’s a man. Still doesn’t change anything; I still find them attractive. If they are attractive by my standards (so any and all humans on Earth), then I think they are hot, and I'm attracted to them… I'm so confused…

Would this be pan, omni (because I'm attracted to men more often than not), heteroflex, or something else???? /genq

— Moss (they/them)

I genuinely can’t tell if I have a crush on (let’s just call ‘em:) Moe or not. Moe’s an androgynous-looking guy, and I genuinely can’t tell if he’s a woman or a man, even though people use he/him pronouns for Moe.

I have all of the symptoms of a crush. I find Moe very pretty, mainly because of his androgyny. Moe looks like a girl who is in the middle of transitioning to a boy and sounds like a girl who has a really bad cold, which is making her voice raspy sounding. Kind of like baby Justin Bieber but a tad deeper. Moe looks and sounds very nerdy; he kind of looks like a misfit but is actually friends with a lot of the popular girls. I just want to look at him all of the time. Moe actually has caught me staring at him a few times. Whenever I hear his voice, I just instinctively stare at him. I want to touch him, NON-SEXUALLY OF COURSE!!! I want to cuddle him, hold his hand, and sit really close to each other so that our legs are touching, and I want to go on a romantic picnic with him while we stare at the stars. I want to do all of these things, but it doesn’t feel like a ‘traditional’ crush, if that makes any sense. **It doesn’t feel like what society has burned into my brain of what a crush should feel like**.

And the same thing could be said for a different boy and girl in one of my classes. I find them very aesthetically pleasing and beautiful, and I just want to stare at them all of the time, and I want to do romantic and sensual things with them!

This is confusing and makes me in distress. I genuinely do not know if this is a crush or just a swish (swish = aesthetic attraction crush (aesthetic crush on someone's appearance)).

And this makes me question my own sexuality because, like, whenever I get a 'crush' on someone, it’s just completely random, and that happens whenever it wants to. It’s not really dependent on anything. I mean, if I find someone physically attractive in their appearance, behavior, personality, or intelligence, then it’s an immediate 'crush' on them. There’s no specific relationship that determines whether or not I gain a 'crush' on someone (so I’m not demi- or whatever), no specific gender, not really any specific circumstance either. It just happens. But like, if Moe did turn out to be a female, it would be a surprise, but a pleasant one nonetheless, because I really wouldn’t care. When I envision my future, it’s usually with a woman, because I desire that emotional wholesomeness, softness, and closeness so desperately.

I feel excited and happy when I think about Moe. I want to share experiences with him. I want to spend time with him to talk, hang out, and share personal moments. I get nervous and my brain blanks out when I'm around him. I'm genuinely interested in his hobbies, thoughts, and feelings, and I want to learn more about him as a person. Moe looks like me with a different face, sorta a hipster/nerd vibe to him, so I feel like we’d have a lot in common. I often daydream about scenarios with him, like going on a picnic, making out, watching the stars together.

How am I supposed to ask him out? I get nervous just thinking about talking to him. And I'm just supposed to wait 149 days for Valentine’s Day and then write him a love letter and then pretend that I’m just some messenger that’s supposed to give them the letter from one of my friends who is a secret admirer? That’s so stupid in the lab plan. It’s probably never going to work, and he’s probably autistic, so he’s probably going to think that the love letter is actually from a friend of mine.

I also just really hope that he’s not gay. He’s so androgynous, to the point that when I first met him, I thought he was a cisgender girl. Moe talks in this high-pitched tone, and sometimes he stutters. He’ll also sometimes stop in the middle of a sentence because he forgot what he was saying. Moe also talks really fast. I’m pretty sure he has ADHD to some extent. But that’s honestly just me guessing. Also, his primary friend group is a bunch of lesbians, with like 2 or 3 heterosexual girls.

I mean, technically, I am a boy. I mean, at least I feel like a boy inside my head. But on the outside, I look like a girl; I am in transition to whatever, so I still look like the sex I was assigned at birth.

OH MY GOSH! I COULD JUST HANG OUT WITH HIM DURING COMMUNITY TIME! But how do I know what station he’s going to be at for community time? It’s not like I can just go up to a teacher and ask why he’s going to be. The teacher is just going to start asking questions about whether I like him or not. I guess they could also just think that I’m a friend of his and I’m trying to find him because I lost him. But it’s more likely going to be the first option where they think I have a crush on him.

Having crushes on people is so stupid! How am I even supposed to ask a person out? Unless we are in an environment where we are explicitly meant to date, how am I supposed to know I’m supposed to ask him out? Like on Tinder, you are meant to ask people out and to date them, but in the classroom you are meant to learn and make friends.

How am I supposed to know my feelings for him as genuine? I’ve only been in class with this guy for 4 weeks, and I’ve never even once talked to him.

I don’t know what to do…

Maybe… it’s best to… just forget these feelings ever existed. Maybe it’s best if I just stay single my entire life and focus more on my academics and my job. I don’t need friends or a lover. I can just be lonely my entire life…

— Rowan (he/they)

Isn’t being omnisexual with a fluid flux preference essentially the same as being pansexual? For Alex (my IRL friend, and who was formerly known as Rowan), who he is attracted to can change frequently for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, his attraction spans multiple genders for the same reason, and other times, it’s for different reasons altogether.

So my IRL friend Alex—formally known as Rowan; he’s trying things out—confused about his sexuality. He knows very well that he’s attracted to all genders, he explains that he has the capacity to be attracted to all genders. But he says he’s not attracted to all genders at the same time (unless he’s feeling polyamorous, but that doesn’t happen often, and that doesn’t have to do with his sexuality), one day he might be attracted to a man, the next minute he might be attracted to a woman, and a few weeks later, he might be attracted to any non-binary gender. He doesn’t know if this is a preference or not, but the gender he’s currently attracted to changes all of the time without a schedule or clear direction or pattern. It just randomly shifts from one to the next. Sometimes he wants a particular gender/sex, but most of the time he doesn’t care about what his partner/romantic interest is. He said, whenever he thinks about his future, he always sees it with a woman, but he said he is totally down to be in a relationship with anybody. He said he finds every gender attractive, but he mostly finds the emotional intimacy with women more appealing.

******[I can't find a way to make this sound not transphobic. So just know that I am //not// being transphobic; I'm just trying to specify what I'm experiencing in terms of "adult attraction" (since I know most of you guys are under 18...)]******

CW: Caps, mention of male and female genitalia (nothing graphic), Generalizations

I'm a lot happier thinking of myself as a boy because I am a boy (AFAB). I've always been a boy. It's just that the outside doesn't show what the inside is. What I am is a boy who is gender neutral and occasionally feels like a girl who is attracted to both boys and girls and everyone else, but is mostly satisfied with fantasies and doesn't always 100% of the time actually want to date anybody, but occasionally I have a super intense and depressing longing for a romantic companionship with somebody.

Damn, if I wasn't multisexual, then I would actually consider myself straight, meaning that I am attracted to girls. The first time I've ever actually considered myself as that. I don't know why today I just feel very aligned with being a male.

You know what? I'm also actually incredibly gay. Like [male genitalia]! But [female genitalia]! Both are so good and amazing, and I want both! I don't care what their internal sense of identity is; you either have a [male genitalia] or a [female genitalia], no one between (disregarding intersex because that’s usually a chromosome or hormone thing). It doesn't matter if you were born with it or not. I do not care. If you have a [male genitalia] or a [female genitalia], then there is a HIGH likelihood that I will be attracted to you.

Like, obviously, I care for, respect, and love somebody's gender identity, regardless of what it is. I'm not a jerk.

But when it comes to romantic attraction, if I find a person's physical attributes attractive (aesthetic attraction), which is usually regardless of their gender identity, then I am attracted to them romantically, but in regards to sexual attraction, I am attracted to literally ANYBODY (ANY GENDER) who has male or female genitalia. This includes LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET!

I'm not saying that someone's gender identity isn't valid; I'm just saying it isn't a factor when I'm attracted to someone.

— Rowan (he/they/vae)

Maybe Rowan’s omni? Bi? Because if one looks at all the people he’s ever had a crush on or dated, he’s mostly been attracted to girls, but gender doesn’t matter to him. Does gender secretly matter to him, like subconsciously? Is he not pan? He’s been attracted to girls (trans or cis), boys (trans or cis), non-binary, xenogender, etc.; it doesn’t matter what they identify with; it doesn’t matter what goes on in their pants either. He cares more for companionship—the company of someone—over romance or sex. Their behavior, personality, appearance, and their connection are more important to him than what’s happening in their brain or in their pants. Is he pan, but with a preference for female appearances and connection with males? He doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s weird. He’s not entirely sure what this is.

Person said, "My explanation is that simple in the mind not to offend anyone but bisexuality and non-binary are stable things that most people know and it's sounding like that you've thought of yourself as being bisexual. I don't know about being non-binary, but it might just be the simpler thing that comes to your head doesn't mean that you are. It's just simpler for you."

This kinda makes sense. So, I need to figure out if I think of myself as enby and bi because it's easy and simple to get my head around, or if I really am enby and bi. I mean, I don't have to actually figure it out. So I am these super simple labels, or am I the more "complex" ones (complex in this scenario)?

So am I genderfluid and pansexual or non-binary and bisexual? Does this even matter? Or should I just focus on the pronouns I want to use. I know what they are (they/them, he/him, and sometimes she/her or zhe/zher), so does it really matter what other labels I want to use? Love who I love, and feel how I feel, ya know. Does it really matter to label my gender and sexuality? I'm only labeling it because my OCD is forcing me to.

I am a really easy person to stress out. I stress out over the little things.

It's late right now. I can't sleep. I'm just laying in bed with my thoughts, and my thoughts are not a good thing to be left alone with. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I can't just have people say, 'Oh, well it's your identity! Whatever you feel works!', I need someone to *tell* me. I describe how I feel, and they *tell me* what label that is. It's like being left on a cliffhanger when they do the first thing.

-Rowan (they/he)

I'm still hooked on the whole thing about grandma telling me not to read the chapters that will make me gay thing that happened like… a month ago. I just keep replaying the scenario in my head and thinking about all the things that I could've done better, and one of the scenarios had me saying, "You're right, I'm not gay. I'm bisexual!" and I said that without even thinking! So even though I am genderfluid and pansexual, I will still subconsciously think that I am non-binary and bisexual! And that actually kind of upsets me. I thought I had finally accepted being genderfluid and pansexual, even if it was a tiny bit, but it's still making me pretty upset that I haven't fully accepted them as myself, and I still think of myself as non-binary and bisexual.

My gender does change, and I do love all people regardless of what their gender identity is! So there is without a doubt the fact that I am genderfluid and pansexual, but I still think of myself as non-binary and bisexual.

You will never understand the full extent of how much this upsets me. It's like a mixture of dysphoria, internalized queerphobia, and wrath. It's just so hard to explain; that's why you will never be unable to understand it.

Am I literally the only person with this problem? Everybody else on the Sexuality Wiki seems to have already found their labels, or labels that they really like. Whereas, I can't stick with one label for more than a day.

So what? Am I genderfluid, pansexual, non-binary, and bisexual now? This very much upsets me. I only want 3 labels *max*. Why is my identity such a headache…

What does it mean when I’ve only ever had a crush on boys and girls my entire life (because the two binary genders are the only genders I have ever been exposed to), but suddenly I have a crush on somebody who is xenogender/alterhuman/plural?

Is this pansexual? Or simply bisexual? Or is there another, more specific name for this?

— Rowan (he/they)

Ayo! I might have a crush on [Crush]!

I mean, they are a xenogender/alterhuman, but I'm still attracted to them! Maybe I'm pan!

I don't really like xenogenders, but maybe that's a me thing and not a my attraction thing… I don't know. I'm so confused… I genuinely don't understand this feeling. It's definitely a romantic attraction though. I want to do romantic things with him, I want to date him, cuddle him, live our lives together…

I guess I like EVERY gender…

The way I feel for him is small (not in intensity, in overall size as if it were a physical object), delicate, soft, fluffy, light, weak, caring, and softly intimate. Is that romantic attraction?

I've come to realize that my feelings for males and females feel different! For females, it's strong in intensity, obsessive, jealous, light, bright, warm, loving, shy. For males, it's colder, it makes me blush, it's stalker-ish, I want to be physically close to them like cuddling and holding hands, but it's weak, it goes away faster.

I want to talk to him more.

I might actually be panromantic.

Any idea what I might be? I guess I like every gender. I used to think I didn't like xenogenders, but I'm not sure anymore.

Really I was just asking if I was pan- since I apparently like xenogenders now. It’s like *I’m* not genderblind, but my *attraction* is. My attraction likes *everybody* regardless of what their gender is since appearance and personality matter most to my attraction. Apart from xenogenders, I haven’t really encountered any other genders that I don’t like, but I guess I like them now so I’m not entirely sure what I would be. I just thought that was bisexual without a preference.

I don't really care about the gender of a person I'm attracted to, I just care about their masculinity/femininity and their genitals. (can I mention that?) anyways, does this make me panromantic and homosexual, or...?

Also, I'm incredibly confused about my gender again. (I know this isn't the gender wiki) I always go back to the term "demiboy" but that's only cuz I've identified as that for a long time (not sure how long it actually was)

Can someone still be pan even if they don't like a couple (very, very select few) genders?

— Rowan (he/they/she)

I hate YouTube /sar /j. I was watching some stuff, and there was this one POV video.

It was

POV: You come out to your Christian parents as genderfluid in a letter… 

and it was a person roleplaying as a parent who was asking questions, like is the viewer's name okay, asking if the viewer want to go shopping to get more masculine or feminine clothing, asking if the viewer wants makeup. The person in the video said that they love their child, that being genderfluid is absolutely okay, that it’s beautiful. I’m not tearing up, you are! I *really* needed to hear that.

And it’s just… why do I have to be the one to struggle with my identity and faced invalidation from my grandma about being aroace and queer. Why is it that after I trusted her enough to reveal my identity to her, I experienced anxiety and fear of rejection from other family members, questioning my own feelings and identity amidst her dismissive and hurtful remarks.

Why couldn’t I have had accepting parents like the ones in the POV?

This hurts so much.

From that same genderfluid mega compilation video, I have come to find that genderfluid people are fashion icons and can pull off any look.

Not only do I want to shapeshift like them, but I’m also attracted to them in every phase of their gender changing.

I’m 99% sure that the people on r/bisexual are battleaxe bisexuals. They don’t know what any other m-spec label means, and automatically assume ANY attraction to more than 1 gender is bisexual, and downvote ANY post that has the name of another m-spec label in it.

And it’s just like, excuse me for wanting help from other people. I don’t know what this feeling is! That’s why am asking you for help! You don’t have to be such a jerk about it!

The whole r/bisexual thing isn’t make me sad or scared like my grandma did. It’s just annoying.

— Rowan (they/he)

Is it possible that I am actually bisexual and panaesthetic instead of pansexual? I mean, technically, I have only ever been attracted to men and women because I live in a predominantly conservative Christian town, and non-cis people are very rare to come by. But I do find every single person I meet somewhat attractive, whether in appearance or personality. Or is this pansexual? And I’m just doubting myself because I live in this town, so I haven’t been exposed to people other than the people I see on the internet. Gender identity is not a primary factor in my attraction, but I could just be bisexual without a preference. I’m doubting myself so hard right now when I don’t even know why.

— Rowan (he/him)

What exactly is bisexuality?

From the wikipedia, it's described as: "Bisexuality is a romantic or sexual attraction or behavior toward both males and females (gender binary), to more than one gender, or to both people of the same gender and different genders."

So if someone was attracted to 3+ genders could they be bi? If someone likes men, women, and non-binary people does that make them bi or poly? If yes, then why would there need to be the other labels? Instead of saying pan, you could simply say bi without a preference. Instead of saying omni or poly, you could simply say bi with a preference.

When someone says they're bisexual everyone just assumes they are attracted to both men and women, when in reality it could be any two genders, not just men and women.

So if bisexual is such a broad spectrum and includes pan, omni, and poly, how do you know which one you are? M-spec is one of the most confusing things for me. If you're monosexual you only like 1 gender, so it's not that hard. If you're a lesbian, you like non-men, simple. If you're gay, you like non-women, simple. But m-spec has so many various ions and different definitions for the same label depending on who you talk to. It's just so confusing.

So, how do you know if you are just bisexual or some other m-spec label?

I am so confused right now.

What I do feel is romantic and sexual attraction. If wanting to [want to do naughty adult things with males and females], wanting to kiss and cuddle and spend our lives together, and cuddling and touching each other isn't sexual or romantic attraction, then I'll be damned.

But at the same time, I really want to do those things, but I’m also repulsed by those things.

I'm attracted to both males and females, and I care more about their physical sex than their gender identity. If my girlfriend were to have male sex organs, or my boyfriend had female sex organs, or my joyfriend had both, then more power to me. They're hot as heck, which is why I’m would dating them, so I don’t care if they're trans, cis, non-binary, etc.

Is this literally just pan? Or is it bi since I like males and females?

Is there a sexuality that is in between pan and bi? Not poly or omni, but bisexual, meaning you’re attracted to males and females, but you don’t care about their gender identity when it comes to being attracted to them? Or is this just bi without a preference?

— Rowan (they/he)

Is panflux when you fluctuate from being aro/ace to being pan?

My friend, Rowan, has been having a lot of problems lately, both queerphobia from others—peers and family—and from himself, and this is just making him question everything—he isn't sure what he is anymore, and it's just causing him a lot of distress. He asked me to ask you guys the questions in a safe manner without his family knowing (they are //very// anti-queer). He just desperately needs answers so he can stop feeling so utterly horrible.

Rowan relates more to bisexuality stereotypes, but he feels pansexual. He relates more to non-binary and trans stereotypes, but he feels genderfluid. He doesn't relate to aroace stereotypes at all, but he kinda does feel aroace. Rowan knows that doesn't mean anything but that just upsets him.

Rowan said his entire queer identity—gender, attraction, and amory—can be described as nothing and everything all at the same time.

He feels like he's attracted to all genders. His 'preference' shifts without direction, which can be seen as genderblind, but sometimes his 'preference' stays the same for weeks, and other times it changes every few minutes because he's not attracted to all genders at the same time. He's attracted to people of any gender presentation regardless of gender identity. However, he finds himself mainly attracted to men, women, and non-binary people, but then again, he likes presentation—how a person looks—more than what they identify as. If someone's pretty, they're pretty.

But at the same time, I don't feel romantic or sexual attraction towards anyone. He feels romantic or sexual attraction often, but it's weak and can fade awake fast. He can go from being very closely allo to being apothi in seconds for no reason at all, but at the same time, he wants to date people, but he just can't get himself to feel romantically or sexually attracted to them. He feels allo in his head—when attracted to fictional characters—but in the real world, he can't get himself to feel those things. He can force himself, but it's artificial and weak.

Rowan can't tell if he's aroace or if it's just nonamory, because he can feel romantic and sexual attraction for a person, he just doesn't want to date them. So he doesn't know if he's on the allo end of the aroace spectrum or what.

Is Rowan just allo and nonamory, or is it the other way around?

He //really// wants to know what's going on with him.